© 10 Colin Melbourne
Greeting: Not Snogging
Q: How should men hug women when greeting in church fellowships; what does the Bible say about this? Sara
A: Thank you for a charming question.
It may seem a minor point to some people, but it can be the source of hidden tensions and jealousies within fellowships.
Hugging per-se is not instructed, but greeting with a holy kiss certainly is, and a light embrace is wise during kissing in order to avoid a painful clash of heads and nose-bleeds. So it can be assumed that tender mutual hugging is included in the practice of holy kissing.
The New Testament instructs all believers to greet one another by kissing, as in 1 Th. 5:26 KJV;
Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss.
The same directive is repeated no less than five times. Ro. 16:16, 1 Co. 16:20, 2 Co. 13:12, 1 Pe. 5:14.
This would be a brief, gentle, respectful, light embrace, and kiss on the cheek as practised by the patriarchs and Jews since Noah emerged from The Ark.
Tip for new Christians: It’s the way you kiss your Granny, not the way you kiss your wife or husband.
Notice it is not merely a man-to-woman kiss, it’s mutual between all believers. 1 Th. 5:26. When Paul, John, and Peter wrote to the “brethren” and “brothers” they included Christian women, the term here means believers, not merely male believers.
Biblical kissing is meant as a warm, loving, and respectful greeting between heavenly family members, and has nothing to do with physical attraction, romance or lust.
Unholy Kiss
Sister, if some creep homes in on you at the start of a meeting, embraces you manfully and slobbers a big wet kiss on your lips, you can safely conclude his motive is definitely not in-line with the Bible directive.
Just push the chap away, and tell him firmly to get sanctified. If he takes offence and tries to justify his lust by claiming a Biblical injunction, report him to your fellowship elders on the spot, and let them deal with him.
I know of the opposite situation where nubile young women competed to hug and kiss the most eligible young man in the fellowship. He was slow to report that to his leaders!
When in Rome
So it is a topic that needs wisdom and sensitivity from the pastors in its application to their local fellowship.
French, Belgian, Italian, and Russian readers will be astonished that hugging could ever become a problem. A polite respectful token kiss on the cheek and gentle hug are the normal forms of greeting loved ones in those nations, and in others too. The participant’s gender makes little difference.
However, the opposite is the case in lots of countries and cultures, where such outward displays of affection are frowned upon. For example, you will not see South East Asian people hugging and kissing in public, it is a social taboo, and kissing is even banned on TV programmes.
This is true in much of Africa, the Indian sub-continent, China, and of course also in the Middle East.
I was saved in New Zealand, and discipled in the UK, where appropriate biblical kissing and hugging was normal at the start and close of meetings. It was just how you greeted, and said farewell to your Christian brothers and sisters.
Culture Clash
But when the Lord sent me to Asia, I noticed this aspect was absent in Asian Christian meetings, so I had to restrain my normal behaviour in this regard. I was instructed by wise older missionaries to observe and learn the culture. “You must get the culture Colin”.
On one occasion I went to collect some translation work we had entrusted to a Chinese Christian family, at some considerable personal risk to themselves. If they had been caught with it there would have been a large fine and prison at the very least. So I was very relieved to take the finished material from them, and immensely impressed by their steadfast courage in the Lord. Whilst I uttered my thanks, I instinctively embraced the Chinese Auntie gently, who was much older than me, and kissed her cheek in gratitude.
To my surprise she didn’t return the hug, but rather froze solid.
I thought, “Holy Kiss Batman, I hugged her and she’s turned to stone! She must be concerned that her husband will think I’m flirting with her.”
So to pre-empt him thinking that, I immediately gave him an even bigger hug, but he locked up solid just like his dear wife!
The older missionaries roared with laughter when I asked what I’d done wrong, and they explained how I’d trampled a social taboo.
I got the culture.
We still have a big laugh over my naivety, and I’m certain the Lord and His Angels enjoyed it too.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there’s freedom, not legalism and bondage. 2 Co. 3:17.
So all Christians are encouraged to follow the biblical instruction for greeting, but in societies where that might be misunderstood as lasciviousness, it is clearly not a biblical imperative.
Wisdom would simply use the normal socially accepted method of greeting, be it a handshake, or a delightful Asian wai. (Palms placed together and held before your face.)
The Bible warns us to be careful to be seen to do what is right in the eyes of unbelievers, meaning just this kind of thing. Eph. 5:15, Ro. 12:17.
Christian social responsibility is needed so that our freedom doesn’t cause others to stumble and sin. Ro. 14:20, 1 Co. 10:22.
How to avoid Kissing
If you are a Christian from a culture where kissing in fellowships is not practised, and you find yourself amongst European Christians, you will soon receive a holy kiss. If the experience makes you feel uncomfortable you do not have to reciprocate, or permit it. Instead I suggest you simply wai as the “puckered-up kisser” approaches you, or hold out your right hand to shake hands, and be prepared to use your left hand to gently halt any attempt to kiss you. The western Christian will be surprised, but will soon understand and respect your wishes. Take the initiative to apologize for the misunderstanding by saying something like;
“I’m sorry, please don’t be offended but in my home church we don’t greet by kissing. I hope you understand.”
Then change the subject to save their face.
If in doubt when hugging and kissing, err on the safe side, as I’ve learned to do.
What about a boyfriend who’s concerned because his Girlfriend refuses to kiss him?
© 10 Colin Melbourne